sometimes you just gotta' row

waxing the bite of the chipmunk

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The process of washing, polishing and waxing the car reminded me that it’s been twenty years since I’ve done this myself. It is a meditative task that allows one to see and appreciate the results of the effort. You take care of things in way that even a great detailer won’t. To do a good job will take the better part of a day and, since it’s something that you do on your own, the task affords a precious chunk of alone time.

People with whom we connect form much of life’s context. While waxing and polishing I had the time and notion to recall the many people, particularly the partners, with whom I’ve shared this trail.

Of the partnering relationships I’ve been in, I don’t recall any being accompanied with a sense of permanence. It seems that I’ve been at the mercy of an unseen muse for most of my life and it might be that I’ve chosen relationships to spite that muse. There have been several times, maybe most of them, where I truly wished for a white picket fence ending. Now I realize that it was the comfort of the known and predictable that I longed for. At this point I’m certain there is a path that is mine and to divert from it is to flirt with disaster.

The prospect of continuing along the road less traveled where the destination is unknown does grow weary at times. Often. The good fortune of being able to spend quality time with intelligent, successful and beautiful women has been golden. I am truly grateful for all I’ve learned and gained from these relationships. So often when the inevitable siren-call arrives I’ve been reluctant to leave. No, it’s more like I’ve found sanctuary from the onslaught and the only way I’m going back out into that thing is if they pry my cold, dead fingers from the door case.

Somewhere, not so deeply inside, I know the call and its demanding nature. Relationships get messy in proportion to how long I ignore the message. My resistance, lack of conviction/courage, has always taken a toll on the both of us. The process drags out painfully over time until animosity and all its friends join in like an emotional pry-bar. I resent having to keep moving and it becomes too easy to redirect the resentment toward the partner; as if it were their fault. In reality the stuff that surfaces is no more than diversion that causes pain to people whom I’ve loved. Yes, it makes no sense. A more noble approach would be to tell it like it is from the beginning. So much nonsense would be averted and it’s more likely that I’d get more of what I truly need. Truth does set you free. No, really.

I once had a young chipmunk as a pet. It had the misfortune of falling victim to my marksmanship with a slingshot. It moved while in a tree and I shot it. I went to claim the kill and found it alive but unconscious. I brought it home and nursed it back to health. It had a little house in my bedroom but would usually choose to snuggle around my neck to sleep. The critter would stand on the back of the couch eating crackers that I’d feed it while we watched TV. One day, it bit me. Drew blood. Exactly, it’s been nice but now it is time to get back to the forest and, really, I shouldn’t have been here to start with.

Written by glh

November 28, 2010 at 09:54

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