hendelar

sometimes you just gotta' row

Archive for July 2012

in the darkness it’s hard to tell if there’s a turn ahead

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rattling sky hissed beneath
balsamic moon pitched in its blackest
above
her
and the baby

the birth-day

so many lives ago

This time spent with Mother has illuminated her particular relationship with the world in a way I’d not seen before. Because I left home at an early age I missed experiencing the transition from adolescence while still living under the parental shadows. That separation might have provided enough objective clarity to realize how “different” she was. And is. As it was, when I left that forest I still had some of its branches attached and believed they were my own.

I now know I’ve been alone for the duration.  For the whole fucking deal. It was the only way to survive. The father unit was in Gibraltar when I was born and the distance continued through most of the time I was under their roof. By the time he actually spent time at home, it was as a stranger to me. So the influences were mostly from the rather peculiar mother’s side of the family, at least until I learned to read.

I’ve learned there is no connection between us, though as the child who bears the guilt of family craziness, I’d always attempted to create one. There has always been, I realize now, a plethora of hard evidence to clearly indicate the absence of and impossibility of any meaningful bonding.

Sure, it’s a sadness-streaked misfortune but the knowledge is golden and worth every stitch. A cookie gratefully received even though it leaves a belly ache.

The perspective is of sea-change magnitude and explains so much; about relationships. Why so many endings and, probably, the inevitable flavour of the many beginnings.

Regardless of how late the light goes on, it’s better than finishing in the dark.

Time with Mother
Winding down, eight months later.

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Written by glh

July 29, 2012 at 22:13

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