sometimes you just gotta' row

twice removed, again

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awareness began with a subtle yet definite nudge. like when her kiss changes.

you hear it clearly but can’t find the right questions; possibly because, in any event, you’re certain you won’t like the answers.

a tendency toward high-carb foods, low energy and its ilk. sure, i know what it could mean but in the absence of heavy clouds and murky rain, maybe not this time. after all, in this section of paradise the blues are found only in the Caribbean and its sky.

one day a feeling, a sense that you missed an exit, moves in. still able to function but with an undefined, focus-blurring distraction. then, the realization most thoughts are negatively biased. not the thinking about something but the way of thinking. mind-weight begins to accumulate, feet get slower.

it arrives. the first day you’d rather stay in bed. you tell yourself it’s because the previous night was mostly sleepless. you know better.

minutes turn into days and one day it’s a month later. no longer under the illusion of being in control, you find yourself on the bottom of a waterless swimming pool, looking up. yes, you’re in the deep end.

the only allies are meds, meditation and hope. then hope gets carried off by an unseen force seemingly dedicated to dragging you deeper while chipping away at your will; a wish, the stuff of miracles, remains as your source of flotation. it’s not that you want to write or go for a walk but can’t muster the initiative, that doggie left in a whimper weeks ago, it’s that you want to want but can’t find the button. the little train that could wouldn’t have wanted to.

dunno’ how this chapter will play out, which is the one characteristic in common with every other chapter. on several occasions of late, the daily two tasks have been substantial and hint at positive promise. my objective is to fit a couple good days into the same week, create momentum. today it’s five steps forward, four steps back.

value might be found somewhere in this darkness, though it sure is hard to see from here. Nietzsche believed suffering to be the natural domain of the creative. others maintain that the hero must always suffer. at times like this i pine to pine for a white picket fence.

Written by glh

May 30, 2013 at 17:35

Posted in bane, Change, Depression, The Journey

Tagged with ,

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