sometimes you just gotta' row

Like, not

with 5 comments

a month has passed, again. missed-life segments were previously noticed in weekly measures. time ebbs like an ice cube bobbing around the Caribbean and its eight hues of blue.

knowing tomorrow has a finite limit to the number of days that can be deferred to it, doesn’t add any useable motivation. still, that’s the drill.

before falling asleep i consider the various important things that need to be tended to and satisfyingly drop them into a virtual, to-do bucket. feels like achievement, promising. feels real.

it takes a blink or two the following morning to realize the bucket has no bottom, again. screw it. try tomorrow. and so it goes.

there’s a school of thought, sort of new-agey, that says depression is a natural condition indicating movement and change. there’s certainly upheaval and consequential chaos. if this is true and, there is a relationship between the depth and duration of the depressive experience and the degree of change, at the end i won’t recognize myself. perhaps one or all my previous partners will start to believe they’re responsible for a miracle.

the pharmaceutical / medical community believe its cause is an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. this group claim all that’s required to fix the problem is to flood the many receptors, which are located throughout the body, by taking one of the dozen neurotransmitter re-uptake inhibitor potions available.

the “re-uptake inhibitor” part describes the medication’s interference with an otherwise naturally occurring process whereby the body either recycles neurotransmitters sent out by the brain to receptors or, destroys them when the communication mission is accomplished. the drugs effect serotonin and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters used to communicate “all-okay” and “let’s get moving” respectively.

truth is, the industry remains unsure of how this class of drug works and haven’t conducted the research to validate the theory. the meds appear to have a positive influence on depression for certain people and are earning hundreds of billions of dollars for the manufacturers and bringing glee to their shareholders. a proven formula for “good enough”.

they seemed to work for me for a month or two while i was in Victoria. of course they seemed to work really well at the time i received a bunch of cash from my RSP. not doing so well lately.

exercise works consistently and predictably, at least in the short term. there is a significant Catch 22 dynamic, unfortunately; the initiation to get up and exercise can be seemingly impossible to muster. at least today. planning to do it tomorrow is usually much easier.

meditation and yoga are said to help. i have been able to reactivate a commitment to regular mediation, something i’ve been doing off and on for thirty years. ironically some say mediation without authentic guidance can lead to depression. same deal with certain yoga practices. mmm.

the visitor visa and supply of dough are both running short here in paradise and that means another move. dunno’ where or how. there are several family issues i could get involved with. there are other things i’d rather do.

in the meantime life feels like i missed an exit ramp back there and, ten months later, i’m still looking for the next one.

5 Responses

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  1. so you believe there is no proof that depression is a chemical imbalance within the brain? sure, i’ve tried every SSRI and SNRI out there and not one of them worked, but I’m not on a tailored med regime of a couple of different things and it works wonderfully for me, ending a 6 month depressive episode that nearly ended in suicide. so yeah, they can work, they don’t work every time and sometimes it takes tinkering, and by no means should a GP be prescribing mental health medication, but it can and does work.



    July 2, 2013 at 01:45

    • it can be a tough row to hoe – my comment speaks to an undisputed truth; the medical industry does not know how SSRI and SNRI medications work.

      Some very clever neuroscientists and bio-chemists have figured out the brain communicates with neurotransmitters. Clever salespeople have figured out how to make a lot of money with the information. Works for some people, sometimes. Causes other people to fall into the black. For some, the pills are like the ones Mother gives you and don’t do anything at all. There are many suicides linked to using, and to extricating from, this class of drug. For first hand experience see http://cymbaltawillhaltya.wordpress.com/ There’s a link to it from my blog.

      Thing is, most us will do or try anything to surface again. Including taking these medications, again. I know. What I don’t know is the downstream and long-term consequences of messing with a natural process…for example I don’t know if the receptors will, over time, become dulled to normal volumes of a neurotransmitter or what the options will be at that point. I don’t know the consequences of flooding receptors around my heart and the many other locations of serotonin receptors.

      Cocaine works on the same premise of this stuff and that can’t be a great indication – its neurotransmitter is dopamine.

      I don’t know and the people who are selling and prescribing the stuff don’t know. I do know watching life passing by while laying in the darkness gets weary. So, great for you that you’ve found a formula that works – you might want to keep at it, don’t be in a hurry to quit the meds because you’re feeling better. Good luck!



      July 2, 2013 at 02:18

      • I would never cease my medication just because I’m feeling better, amusingly I’m taking cymbalta.

        Of course the medical community knows what an SSRI or SNRI does, it may not have a great deal of long term research that’s true, but when a person either takes the drugs and feels better, or feels like shit and kills themselves, I believe it’s worth the ‘gamble’

        Many medications work on similar premises but have completely different chemical structures, I’d hardly compare depression medication to cocaine, the transmitter does not necessarily determine the message.



        July 2, 2013 at 02:27

        • Yes, well it’s good you’re content. I guess in the end that’s what matters.

          If you’re interested, consider asking your prescribing physician about where to find proof of understanding about SSRI/SNRI medication or, better yet, check out the Cymbalta FAQ on Eli Lily’s web site.

          If you want a vivid picture of the consequences about the level of industry knowledge around these drugs take a look at http://www.cymbaltawithdrawal.com/

          The deal is we’ve got to survive – and we’ll all do best we can.




          July 2, 2013 at 02:48

  2. I appreciate the kind words but I don’t think you should assume anything about my level of understanding of the human brain, it’s entirely possible I’ve completely the most part of a bachelor of psychology and have already researched my medication and would never consider my knowledge superior to another’s.

    Take care



    July 2, 2013 at 02:54

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