hendelar

sometimes you just gotta' row

Archive for October 2013

the stop matters. a good stop would’ve been great.

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a dilemma of conscience. she hasn’t risen by mid-afternoon. it’s nearly the same to me whether she does or doesn’t. i feel badly about not feeling badly.

then there’s the idea it was because she’s been mentally ill for all those years. it means she’s developed a series of behaviors and fronts a relationship with the world that can be categorized according to a series of diagnostic and procedure codes. when you’re a kid, dependent upon a parent to validate your very existence, categorization means shit. some people don’t give it because they don’t have it; others, like Mother, take it away.

it didn’t start with her, the savage disdain. by all accounts her father demonstrated a similar set of sensibilities; beat and humiliate any semblance of self-respect out the kids, slash away anything that might be dignity from the wife and, why not, kick the dog.

when did it start? before him, who was the monster…his father, mother and, before that one, who…and, so it goes. nobody to take responsibility and the toxins are passed on like the baton in a relay race.

couldn’t do it, though the damage was done long before i left home when came my own kiddies. between us, we wouldn’t let me be one of those savages. you work at learning how to parent, yet remain certain and afraid you didn’t exorcise all the demons. so much time and love worrying about it. second guessing. changing more and more, never knowing how much is enough. a wearying toll.

a day arrives, has arrived, when you know this shit has cost the better parts of your lifetime. relationships, oh so many. gnashing and doubting and worrying. never knowing if any of it is right or better. a million cuts. daily.

when that shock of realization rattles in you know the life is behind you and it’s mostly in rags. but, it’s worth all the tears at twice the price, if you didn’t become one of them.

did you?

i thought relief would be found in and around some flavor of forgiveness and that’s what i’d been aiming for. today i’m sure that path has all been another form of denial. like the spouse justifying the black eye, she’s been that way because she didn’t know better, came from a destructive home, is mentally ill…etc. it doesn’t matter to me whether it matters to her but, she doesn’t get forgiven.

the truth is you can’t save yourself. can’t. the damage has been rendered long before the consciousness and self-awareness required for self-rescue surface. yes, it is fucking unfair but if you can save a child, your child, well, you have saved yourself. just not quite the way you expected. hurts like hell but you have to be grateful anyway.

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Written by glh

October 29, 2013 at 18:48

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